act 1

 there are times when I fail to see the meaning of tomorrow, why not end it at this close section where I'm ahead of my most self-debilitating thoughts of how feeble my sense of self is. there is some angst down there at the pit, that is my wording of it as it describes how it is far down the barrel where no hope is to be seen or awaited. there is a mixture of feeling in my headspace as everything I touch seems to collapse on how the magnitude of touch actually was, even to me. there are no birds in the clouds or so my belief system makes it out to me, that whenever it is unclear the road ahead there is no value of connection or so to connect as your mind sees it it is better to stay alone, as the lone wolf act is better than to have to trust others with your self worth waiting for the other to always be the one to envelop you in their world, never to make the first move hence you see it to be a waste if one does the same. there, alone in the dark, no one is waiting for closure or understanding, where solitude is what best describes your whole aura and vibe to be picked at parties and social environments as the looner, the one others feel disturbed if approached or so their feeble minds seem to think, as mine does too.

I find it difficult to express my inner sounds of turmoil and anguish even if approached I mighg not be that well diverse in the gutter of the world, seen no war, witnessed no abuse and still this mentally unstable, so why not let it consume me, to just indulge in whatever nonsense my mind subscribes to, every vail porn seen replay on my way to prayer leaving me not and felling me with a clash of emotions, between excitement and guit I am the ultimate combination of a loner mindset beaten by one own self-post nut clarity, where guilt roams the mind as his owner making it eventful with all kinds of worrying and troubles of the mind and where this road of self-degradation and hopelessness, best character feats for a newly inscribed young adult, as all I have in my name is a couple of meds and a notebook where my most personal deepest memoirs lay unfazed by my own failure at life and waiting to attack at any moment I am showing any vulnerability whatsoever at any scheme this feeling has on me...

...where am I to head if it pleases me the most where all I dream of is but a jiff away, that is my most desirable state where I'm close to death yet aware of my existence in a different mind state I find no other substitute to live off other than my imagination as elusive as I know it to be or as I would like to call it; sleep.