troubled?so am I!

As the notion of time swallows me holl.I find it hard to cope with my brain at times, it feels like we both are running on different agendas, One wants to commit and lead the purposeful life I am meant to lead, and the other only wants what is not made for the common man, something magnanimous in its bearing that it would lead my life in a way that is both unseen and unexpected for me, at least then I would feel free from this torment of the conformity to such routine. I feel trapped in my own mind unable to deal with specific challenges that often arise yet this time it wouldn't find me waiting anymore. I want to break free from this guided life I'm feeling yet I am vengeful in my ways of dealing with such feelings as I surely know where they would lead, and I already walked such a path and I'm unable to live it again. I can't bear to live it again. there is some sort of balance in the few last weeks of my life, I was eager to hold some certain healthy balance between all my exercise, diet and hobbies yet whenever I get into the idea of channelling my inner will to just convert this into life I always feel trapped by this later notion, that I am stuck and unable to free both my mind and body from the hold of conformity. it feels like I am fighting off the system I so eagerly sought to have, Why would I be this troubled to self-sabotage. there is some inner malice in me that I seek to stop any sort of improvement I so seek to change anything that is or ever was difficult to live on, yet I always fail at the same loop of self-criticism and resentment of my own ways to which I decided to run my life. there is always that feeling of hopelessness and misery in the background waiting to grapple me in and inclose me into this cocoon of troubles and worries and inner self degradation. there is no simple answer to this as I have tried many ways before that would convince me otherwise, it feels like a perpetual struggle that I must face daily. only one thing I am well sure of and that is that my ability to live a normal life is at its worst and to live has become the struggle.