A new hope...

Recess

I took a break. I wanted to free my time to write, yet I have undergone many troubles, and setbacks along the way. it has felt like a plane crash where the pilot(me) holds no control over the consequences of the crush, leaving me along with the passengers facing some divine causality that had led to my downfall, my struggles never were attached to my name, not until I held meaning in them as the moment I started to see it out of my actions. I would go as far as to say was my moment of realization, where I saw my sense of self shattered. along with the ruins of the past goes my being and personality alike. Nothing seems to have taste anymore, nothing holds meaning, and on top of all that, my loss of what was the sense of control drove me to presume the worse which at the time was: my death.

It all seems to be a flashback or an instant where time stops, and I fall to see myself in the darkest of pits, where I lay awake through the terror of the nights gazing through the sky's shadow of the self where no meaning lay aside. I have found it to be quite melancholic and full of despair, yet it was the most genuine moment of them all, where I realized there was no sense of self only hopelessness and awe. only the wreckage of the past.

Time seemed to pass with haste, uncovering every damage it had on me or so I thought. it didn't have to be that intense yet it was, and I had once again no control over what to bear. I yet again felt attached to the past with all its troubles and chaos, all of it just excites me, leaving me cajoled by its sense of doom. all a man could do is witness what is. then called upon my struggles. I find it quite amusing this sense of despair, and mostly seductive as even after years now I still find solace in its sheets that wrap up my warm corpse at night. I find the most meaning in struggle, it is as if I am a sucker for pain. the damage never left my thoughts yet the sense of belonging never was as intense as it was back then, it was like the most real of them all, the most authentic yet still the most damaging.

After the passing of such times, I was left motionless, tired, and mostly drained in the sense of the moment which had felt destructive yet real. it was my second time feeling some attachment to pain and the feeling of eternal doom. many would advise me to let go of the past, let it be or even accept it, yet I find more calmness in the latter as all I can do is to accept and acknowledge its presence and wait for it to come to a conclusion.

with this I embark on a new journey, a nameless journey where the aim is to discover oneself and perhaps lead me to acknowledge and accept more feelings of disruption, be it gloom, worry or even resentment, it is all welcomed and intended for, to just hold, wait, endure for us to witness the rise of tomorrow.